Connect in the back of the net
Taken from They All Count

So you love football. You want to be a professional player, it’s natural. But you shoot like Heskey and defend like Bramble, less Paul Gascoigne, more Bamber. So what can you do? You love discussing the beautiful game, so why not Football Journalism? Yes, that’s it. You can be a journalist covering the sport we all love.

Now that’s decided, here is my guide to becoming the perfect journalist, follow these tips and one day you too can be hated by the public. Enjoy.

Tip 1 – Throw your football knowledge into the recycle bin

Taken from Design Boom

You have a wealth of knowledge, you’re like Google: you have all the answers. You know football; an aficionado. You know the importance of certain tactics and a whole lot more, yes? Well then place it in the recycle bin and permanently remove those items, they’re needles.

There’s a general perception that Journalists don’t know what they’re on about, so you need to be perceived the same way. Successfully learn tip 1 and you’ll be on your way to tabloid stardom.

Tip 2 – Dream up ludicrous views and opinions and drum them into people’s heads

Go on, have a think. What is the most far off, absurd, ridiculous, unintentionally humorous, nonsensical drivel you can think of? Got it? Right, well it’s important you write this to attract the idiots. Idiots will help you succeed, they believe your nonsense and you’ve done the job.

Examples: “Manchester City are better than Arsenal’s Invincibles squad” or “Tottenham can win the league”, that sort of mundane gibberish will attract the idiots you need.

Tip 3 – Claim Ferguson “planned United’s title charge well” despite luck and poor performances

As simple as it would suggest. Forget about the teams around them dropping points, or the dubious decisions in their favour, they chose the right time to charge for the title. Ryan Giggs “still has it” and Paul “I can’t tackle to save my life” Scholes is the best midfielder to ever play in England.

And when they do lose/draw, whatever you do, DO NOT praise the other team, United were simply “not at their best”.

Tip 4 – Develop an allergic reaction to the word “dive”

Taken from Bleacher Report

You shall not use this word.

Alternatives: Theatrical, made the most of it, went down easy and there was the slightest of contact.

All of those will suffice. Dive is a vile word. Thou shalt not mutter such vitriol. ONLY FOREIGNERS DIVE.

Tip 5 – Use your ‘inside knowledge’ to gather information on the latest transfer news

Similar to tip 2 though, this time, it’s involving transfer speculation and rumours. Make sure they’re believable, so don’t go around saying Lionel Messi will sign for Wigan, or Liverpool will pay over the odds for an Englishman. Instead, opt for a believable rumour like, for instance, ‘Manchester City interested in (insert Arsenal player here).’ 

And if someone doesn’t believe you just say you’ve got an inside source and they’re very reliable.

Tip 6 – Love ‘Arry

Taken from Eddie’s Football Blog

That good old cheeky chappy. The man with the outgoing persona, the supposed right man for the England job, the man you must worship. It’s a well known fact the media love Harry Redknapp and he will be your friend. 

He’s often found in his car with the window rolled down talking about other team’s players, something he never does, never. Top lad, triffic.

Well, that’s it, and to be honest, this probably won’t get you anywhere. I only wrote this as there was nothing else for me to write about. In reality you’ll probably need qualifications in writing, or English, or something.

You’ll also need to know how to get a job in some capacity. And you’ll need some knowledge of the game so tip 1 is pointless, the other 5 though, well, no, they’re pretty pointless as well. 

So as you can tell I have once again completely wasted your time. Good bye.

Written by Ryan Goodenough
Follow him on Twitter @RealYoungGunner

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A site that displays various opinions, insights, reports, etc from a host of talented writers, covering various clubs and leagues.