Andy Carroll: Why the West Ham star moving to China is amusing

This week the Chinese Super League Transfer Window slammed shut, because as we all know transfer windows never close quietly.

One name to be linked with a big money move to the CSL is none other than the world’s most frustrating striker Andy Carroll.

Yes, big Andy was offered the chance to go to China and I feel the very concept of Andy Carroll in China needs to be explored further as it’s a quintessentially amusing thought.


A giant among men

Firstly, the average male height over in China is five feet and six inches.

Carroll measure up at six feet and four inches so his already impressive aerial game would have been even more effective.

Moreover, I feel the idea of Andy Carroll attending Chinese lessons has enough jokes to produce a 6-episode sit-com to be shown on BBC Three.

In fact, it might actually be too funny for BBC Three.

There could all the classic gags about Carroll banging his head on door frames because he was too tall and not been able to find any clothes that fit him.


Needs better taste in clothing

On the subject of clothes, Carroll has never been known for his style and he was pictured wearing pink boots at a film premiere the other day.

Carroll clearly needs someone to do his shopping for him and probably sort out his hair as well, but that’s just my opinion.

I called Carroll the world’s most frustrating striker earlier and I say this because on song and fully fit I genuinely believe Carroll is one of the better strikers in the Premier League.


Top player, but too injury-prone

Laugh all you want but you cannot deny big Andy’s ability.

The problem is despite his big frame the man is more fragile than a house of cards. The slightest knock and he falls apart and spends six months on the sidelines.

So in a way I’m glad Carroll did not got to China, despite the obvious comedy.


A genuine Plan B

I’m sure the £32 million offer from insert Chinese club here (no that’s not a typo it’s just that let’s face it no one really knows which club it was) was tempting for West Ham it would be nice for Carroll to string a run of games together and break back into the England side.

He’s a genuine Plan B and could be a great option off the bench for Gareth Southgate.

Having said all that, he’ll probably get injured at the weekend and ruled out for the rest of the season.


*FYI: This piece is satirical.


Written by Chris Darwen

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