Connect in the back of the net

It has been revealed that Mario Balotelli had a £1 million good behaviour clause in his contract at Liverpool.  If he managed to not get sent off three times for being, well, Mario Balotelli the Anfield side were prepared to give him a massive bonus.  

Who would have thought it more likely he would earn more in bonuses from that clause rather than his goal bonus?  That says it all about Mario’s time on Merseyside.

 

Crazy Zlatan

Talking of slightly crazy strikers, oh Zlatan.  Not a week goes by without you being Zlatan.  

When quizzed about his foot connecting with the head of Seamus Coleman, the big Swede looked surprised at the suggestion it may have been deliberate.  

Anyone who has read Zlatan’s autobiography, and I use the word autobiography in its most liberal sense in the same way Marcus Rojo is a centre back in the most liberal sense, will know that Ibra is a “martial arts expert.”  

And no, this does not mean he appreciates Anthony Martial drawing a pig and a horse and putting it on the fridge.  Zlatan knows how to kick someone in a way that means they would fall asleep.  

That’s funny, as watching United play Everton had the same effect on me until the comedy ending.  

And, Zlatan, we’ve all seen you this season.  If you are claiming to know how to kick something in a special way, why have you missed so many bloody chances this season?

 

Sanchez to depart

According to Arsene, Sanchez will not be staying at Arsenal just for the money.  I’m not sure Wenger needed to finish that sentence.  

Anyway, Alexis definitely won’t be staying to win the league, so what is he staying for?  The coffee Theo will be serving up after Christmas?

 

Smug Al

Smug Al was on top form after “proving all the critics wrong” and remembering what it felt like to lead Palace to three points.  

Wasn’t it nice to see him give his boss a wave after the game looked safe?  Wasn’t Steve Parish’s response the thumbs up equivalent to “you’ve got away with it this week Alan, but just you wait.”  

Full of bravado Pardew felt it would be wise to offer his new bigger bosses a verbal olive branch, by suggesting they do not know much about football.  

Clearly they don’t Alan.  They bought Palace, and they haven’t fired you yet.

 

Clever Cesc

Cesc Fabregas is a clever player, isn’t he?  

Not only did he assist Costa against City, he assisted in Fernandino’s sending off.  Mind you, did you see the slap?  There is no way that could have been called violent conduct.  

Inappropriate behaviour in the workplace, maybe, but probably nearer sexual harassment the way he tickled him.  

Cesc, the hardman of the Chelsea midfield.  I think not.  Anyone who thinks wasting pizza after a game is acceptable is not in the same league as Roy Keane in my book.

 

Aguero punished for hating David Luiz

Sergio Aguero has picked up a four match ban for his ongoing hatred of David Luiz.  

Sergio clearly felt the need for a winter break.  Mind you, he is normally injured around this time so he probably has annual commitments in December that he wants to honour.  

His ban is bigger news in the Fantasy Football world than in real life to be honest.  People everywhere are having to change their team.

 

Bilic vote of confidence

Slaven Bilic has been given the vote of confidence.  That’ll be him out of the door by New Year’s Eve then.

 

Pochettino’s impressive memory

Pochettino wasn’t too impressed when the subject of diving was brought up after Dele Alli took a little splash against Swansea.  

He reminded us all that diving was not a new English fad, recalling Michael Owen tumbling near his leg in the 2002 World Cup.  

My word he has a long memory.

 

FYI: This piece is satirical.

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