EPL Satire: Leave Pogba alone and more football hating from The Telegraph

I’m sure we’ve all creatively enhanced what our actual income is when trying to buy something on credit, no?  

The Telegraph have been at it again showing how much they hate football and are looking to bring it down one tiny brick at a time.  

Allegedly, the Pozzo’s faked a bank letter to show they had the money when purchasing Watford back in 2014.  

I know, they’ve really messed the club up since haven’t they?  There is no way they are fit and proper owners with experience of running football clubs across Europe.  

Get them out and get more Chinese investors in!

Don’t do it Sean, don’t do it.  It’s like the relationship that ended on good terms, but you think it is a good idea to get back together again.  It rarely works!  

Sean Dyche is preparing to undo all the good work he has done at Burnley this year by rescuing Joey Barton from Ibrox.  

If there is one move that will ensure we never speak of Dyche as a future England manager again, it is this.


More Toure sulking

Yaya Toure has got even more reason to be in a sulk at City now.  

His current mood is down to a five-year-old fan who remembered it was Ilkay Gundogan’s birthday the other day and made him a cake.  

Gundogan was delighted and spent time with the young fan, whilst Toure brooded in the corner muttering to myself “he’s only been here five minutes, how come he gets a cake?”

Pep has held a dressing room inquest as to how cake even got near the changing room, and whilst they were at it the recent spell of poor form was mentioned too.  

Pep swiftly moved the topic on to red wine, sharing some of this favourite claret it with his somewhat tactically confused squad.

One thing that appears to have been missed in the Chelsea – United aftermath is how much of a missed opportunity it was that Ryan Giggs was pundit and not Roy Keane.  

Sure, Giggsy had a few choice words to say over “shirt-swapping-whilst-smiling-gate” but can you imagine how Keano would have reacted?  It would have been the first time Sky Sports had been taken off air for foul and abusive language.

We really should reflect on Sunday’s football, shouldn’t we?


Man City in “crisis”

The “crisis” at Manchester City is a little like the billionaire being down to his last 50 million big ones isn’t it?  Pep’s side haven’t won in five games and therefore he is being written off as a fraud and a charlatan.  

Admittedly, this is the kind of backlash you would expect from this column especially if the protagonists were the likes of Jose, Pogba, Arsene or Theo.

Anyone would think I was anti-United or Arsenal.  I can assure you I am not.  Neither am I massively pro-City as anyone who read my thoughts post-Barcelona will testify.  

The fact remains that City, albeit trying to prove McManaman and Hoddle right, are top of the table at this premature stage.  

Plus, I openly know nothing about this freak show they called the Premier League as I was tipping Claude Puel to be the first manager to be politely shown the door.  

Southampton were good value for their draw at the Etihad and certainly did not turn up hoping not to lose.  But let’s not start thinking Pep’s footballing beliefs are completely incompatible with the league.  

Not yet, anyway.


The real Manchester side in crisis

I mean, it’s not as if they conceded within 30 seconds having selected a team to pick up another point away at a big rival, was it?  Or then proceed to lose to said rivals 4-0.  

It was very benevolent of Jose to distract the attention immediately away from Pep, incredibly unlike him.  

If United parked the bus at Anfield, it must have got clamped or something because it was as if the back four had just met via online dating and were not that impressed with each other.  

It was the kind of performance that a Jose team tends to give a year or so after winning their first trophy for him when he has offended all of them and blamed their mothers for not working hard enough.  

People are picking on Paul Pogba yet again, but it is a lot to expect of an £89 million player to put in two decent performances back to back.  

N’Golo Kante, known for his attacking prowess in the final third, made United fans thinking that maybe Eric Djemba Djemba really wasn’t that bad in the middle of the park.  

Chelsea fans were singing “Do You Know The Way To Sack Jose” to the tune of a well known song, whilst Jose had the temerity to suggest that Conte’s celebrations were a little bit over the top.  

Mind you, it has been that long since Jose had anything to really celebrate he has probably forgotten his own antics.  

Liverpool fans started chirping up, but they should probably remember that they were unable to break down this watertight defence.  

As ex-Chelsea player Eidur Gudjohnsen brilliantly put, at least Jose still knows how to get the best out of Chelsea.  

Still, the globality was good, right?


More Conte please

Let us not completely overlook the brilliant work by Conte.  

Just two weeks ago he was on his way out of Chelsea and now he has rebuilt Gary Cahill, turned David Luiz into a player you can trust in a back three and has even found room for Victor Moses.  And he loves a goal celebration.  

Oh, and he has made Kante a goal scoring midfielder.  

Yes, more of Conte please!


Bad luck Rodwell

Jack Rodwell needs to have a look in the mirror at the first opportunity.  

He has stated the obvious saying Sunderland “have gone backwards” under David Moyes.  This is true, but Rodwell has failed to start in a winning team for Sunderland for 1241 minutes which is, mathematicians among us, a lot of games.


PS:  I’ll be back on Tuesday with the rest of the weekend’s games – in the meantime head over to www.talesfromthetopflight.com to follow the daily column.  

You can follow Chris Darwen on Twitter: @comeontheoviedo and don’t forget to pre-register to play FanFire!

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