Connect in the back of the net

GOALKEEPER

Victor Valdes – Didn’t do a thing while at United, yet plays against them and helps them win. Jose’s teams 9th game in seven days didn’t seem to hurt them. And with agent Valdes in the opposition goal they were onto a winner.

DEFENDERS

Craig Dawson – They say doing the same thing over and over again is a sign of madness. But not when you’re up against Arsenal’s defence. Like a moth to a flame, each player in yellow just grouped and moved together. All Craig had to do was stop laughing long enough to make sure he scored. Arsenal lose and Arsene signs a one-year deal.

Gary Cahill – I don’t like him. He has seemed to have inherited John Terry’s smug like annoyance. But he did dig Chelsea out of a Stoke shaped hole. The git.

John O’Shea – They should have a statue of this guy at Sunderland. He’s still captain and helped keep a clean sheet at the Stadium of Light. Which, if we are honest, is about as rare as a happy David Moyes.

Nicolas Otamendi – Absolute perfection, never out of place, makes all other players jealous. The control is sublime. I’ve no idea how he played, I’m on about his hair

MIDFIELDERS

Adam Lallana – Who says footballers these days are out of touch with the common man? Adam made sure we all felt better about ourselves on a Sunday morning by putting my back garden in more danger than the Man City goal, with a crap effort on goal.

Fernandinho – If any player in the Premier League should be allowed to stick two fingers up at their boss it’s this lad. When will Pep learn he isn’t a full back? I swear, it is like opposite land at the Etihad. You play poorly and you get praised, play well and you may be a left back playing up front on your own next weekend.

Jesse Lingard – It would have been hard on the young England player without his ‘Dab’ friend #POGBA near him. But he showed courage and strength in managing to do what he is actually bloody paid to do, and play football.

Dele Alli – I’m putting him, because I’m sick to death of hearing about how Tottenham are going to struggle without Harry Kane. Well, we have Alli, Dele Alli, I just don’t think you understand. He only cost £5mill, and he’s better that Ozil, We’ve Dele Alli.

Remember Arsenal fans, I’m not laughing at you, just towards you.

STRIKERS

Romelu Lukaku – Maybe it’s a sign of things to come with the Belgian’s future that he scored in the 91st and 94th minute against Hull. He may leave his move to Man United to the last minute as well. Swap with Rooney did someone say?

Alexis Sanchez – The rebel. He goes against the plan that all the other players are doing. Running around and pressing the other sides players is not going to get Arsene sacked Alexis! I almost expect him to hold up the Mocking Jay symbol next time he scores.

 

FYI: This piece is satirical.

 

Written by Chris Darwen

For his daily column, head over to www.talesfromthetopflight.com 

Follow Chris on Twitter @comeontheoviedo

Like O-Posts on Facebook

You can also follow O-Posts on Twitter @OPosts

PPS:  Don’t forget to pre-register to play FanFire!