Wayne Rooney: Manchester United’s favorite Scouser

Jose has been so wowed by Zlatan’s form this season that they have already decided to take up the option on an extra year of the Swede at Old Trafford.  

To be fair, it’s the best bit of work Zlatan has done since landing in Manchester, the “I could rule America” interview he gave on Monday.  

He didn’t get paid for the interview, but he kinda did as it led to another year of £250k or so a week.  

Well played Zlatan, well played.


New handshakes and even a closet Michael Jackson fan

Pogba and Lingard have devised a new secret handshake.  Rather than a new handshake boys, how about a new secret move that might lead to one of you putting the ball in the back of the net?  

It’s not as if you can rely on Zlatan or Wayne to do it, is it?

Antonio Valencia is a closet Michael Jackson fan and paid tribute to the dead man by wearing a single glove against Feyenoord.  

Mourinho is very much a closet Mykitaryan fan, and he only lets him out of the closet every so often.


United’s favorite Scouser 

Wayne Rooney is a closet striker, and only comes out once in a while.  His opening goal though, that was a little bit like the Rooney we remember.  

Maybe the “good work” the media has been undertaking all season has finally annoyed Rooney enough into remembering how to contribute.  

He followed up his goal with a delightful reverse pass for Mata’s goal.  

The Scouser is now Manchester United’s all time leading scorer in Europe and, as much of a kicking as I have given him this season, that deserves some respect.  

Especially as he made a mockery of my previous paragraph.  Lingard scored the 4th, meaning that the handshake is already working.

Sod it, even Scholesy had nice things to say.


AVB wants to retire in China

Andre Villas Boas, yes he who nearly retired JT far too early by asking him to defend on the halfway line, wants to retire JT in China.  

AVB, not in China for the money in any way shape or form, is prepared to pay the Chelsea skipper money even Roman Abramovich cannot afford to get him to the Far East, especially if he packs John Obi Mikel in his suitcase.


Spurs need to improve in Europe

Pochettino has said Spurs need to improve next time they play Champions League football.  

Now now, I know what you are all thinking. That lot won’t even be playing football next time Spurs qualify for the Champions League.  

Don’t forget, they are still unbeaten in the league, it’s just as soon as they step off British soil that they forget what they are good at.

Spurs now have to decide whether they want to humiliate themselves further by playing their Europa League matches at Wembley.  

Please Mr Levy, do it.  Do it.  

Not for any other reason than it will give me even more material on Spurs who, from a pointing the finger of fun perspective, have made quite a quiet start to the season.


Safety takes a whole new level at Leicester

Health and safety has gone proper mad at Leicester.  

Having given out old fashioned “clappers” to all their fans, they are now being banned from match days due to safety fears.  

The only safety fears there should be at the King Power right now is fears for their Premier League survival.  


Stevie G retires

Liverpool fans the world over breathed a huge sigh of relief when Gerrard announced his retirement from playing yesterday.  

Whilst it was unlikely that Kloppo was going to be foolish enough to let Stevie near the Anfield pitch again, stranger things have happened.  

With this news, I am tempted to install Liverpool as my favourites for the title, mainly because I know they won’t win it and I’d like to maintain my 100% record of getting every prediction wildly wrong.  

Fellow players across the globe came together in tribute for Stevie G, many calling him the finest player of his generation which tells us one important thing.  

Players rarely go on to be good coaches for one key reason.  They are a poor judge of a player.  

Gerrard was very, very good but the best player of his generation?  He wasn’t even the best midfielder at Anfield. Xabi Alonso, if you are interested.


FYI: This piece is satirical.


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